A Long and Terrible Journey

I’m writing this from the worst aeroplane I’ve ever been on. It belongs to Polish Airlines, who this rant is for. Literally, I can’t even put my seat back. What is the  point of that shitty little button if you can’t even push the seat back? But there it is regardless, staring me in the face like a flirty little fuck. Just to make things worse, the person in front of me just put their seat back and I’m typing this like a cramped velociraptor. Further to that the light button, flight attendant button, volume and channel nobs are all analogue… I think this heap of shite is older than I fucking am! This is going to be a delightful 8hr 30 minutes of flying time. That is, if the engine doesn’t croak it before we get to Beijing and I die in a horrible crash. The flight  attendants also look and act like rejects from a prison canteen.  I can scarcely wait to sample their ‘caringly prepared’  “cuisine”.
I think I’ll put the odds on for a 50/50 chance of my dinner being full of pubes. I wonder what the choice will be:

Prison Canteen Reject Air Hostess “You will eat this chicken.”
Me “But I wanted the beef!”
PCR “YOU WILL EAT WHAT WE GIVE YOU”

The woman who checked our tickets also took about 1 hour just to get everybody on the plane, is this not supposed to be  her job? Jeez.
To top it all off, this is after a 17 hour layover in Warsaw Frederic Chopin airport – believe me when I say that the best thing about it is the name. No transit hotel, no water coolers, £16 for 2 God damn sandwiches and coffee. We spent the night on seats in a waiting lounge. The only thing the airport has going for it (aside from the name and being able to leave it) is the fact that it has a free to use shower. Seriously, a free to use shower and no water coolers? Which crackhead designed this airport?
Take this as a word of warning – NEVER FLY POLISH AIRLINES! Polish airlines is to Aeroflot what Lambricini is to Lambrini. Take a pile of horrible stinking shit, try to think in your mind how it could be a little bit worse and you’ll be somewhere close.
Right, I’m out. I hope I live to post this.
Additional note 1: My girlfriend put her iPad in the seat pocket, when the person in front of her leaned back it squashed the iPad against the pull down tray, which cannot be moved, and cracked the screen.
Additional note 2: One of the air hostesses pretty much shouted at a passenger for asking whether the breakfast sandwich was vegetarian twice.
Additional note 3: Somebodies light broke and kept flashing on and off. It was fixed by being covered with a paper cup.

Image
A standard air hostess on Polish Airlines.
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About Greg

A simpleton from West Yorkshire, England living in Beijing. I try to document the oddities, frustrations and funnies that happen to me whilst out here. Hopefully you enjoy reading these little episodes as much as I enjoy writing them.
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